


as far as I can see, nobody loves me (as far as I can tell, nobody loves you either)

by nanaisms (sanhascroissant)



Series: behind the mask, who are we really? [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Identity Issues, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan-centric, M/M, Making Out, Stage Names, Unrequited Love, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21830929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanhascroissant/pseuds/nanaisms
Summary: Donghyuck doesn’t know who started it, and he doesn’t really care all that much either. All that matters right now is that Renjun’s tongue is down his throat in a supply closet.It’s nice. It’seasy. Renjun doesn’t love him and he doesn’t love Renjun, and that’s the best part of the whole thing.Or; Donghyuck may not know who he is, and he may not be in love with Renjun, but at least he has someone to make out with as the rest of his life falls into ruin.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, One-Sided Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, One-Sided Na Jaemin/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Series: behind the mask, who are we really? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1573072
Comments: 20
Kudos: 190
Collections: BBBFest Debut Round: The Bittersweet Option





	as far as I can see, nobody loves me (as far as I can tell, nobody loves you either)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, it's my first fic for BBB fest! 
> 
> This one right here fills uhhh MULTIPLE SQUARES! and here they are:  
> 1\. deep mistrust of any genuine affection  
> 2\. there are other gay ones and they're somehow dealing infinitely better than you  
> 3\. no wait, come back, please smother me  
> 4\. stage name complex  
> 5\. resenting others for their emotional vulnerability
> 
> all of them and MORE will be expanded on in the other parts of this series, which right now is looking like there might be two more, a renjun POV part and then a finale to help them figure all of this shit out! no happy ending guaranteed, but who knows, maybe im feeling generous.
> 
> this is my first renhyuck fic, so be kind. i love them!
> 
> I hope you enjoy and i would LOVE AND ADORE KUDOS AND COMMENTS (ESPECIALLY COMMENTS) !!!! have fun and enjoy!! 
> 
> love, robin <3
> 
> (follow me on twitter @sanhascroissant for more ContentTM!)

Donghyuck has spent a long time on the road, and it has been good for him. Seeing America, driving long days on the tour bus, laughing with the 127 members, pestering Mark for hours on end. Most of all, he’d spent time away from Na Jaemin’s career-ending smiles — and all of it has been good for him.

Still, that only makes it so much worse when they get back. Donghyuck is like a man starved, and the only thing that satisfies him is Jaemin’s grins, the sparkle in Jaemin’s eyes, the smoothness of his voice and the sharp lines of his body when he dances. 

Jaemin is many things. Always clingy, flirty, sweet as poisoned honey. But above all of that he’s smart, and that makes him dangerous. If Jaemin ever finds out the way that Donghyuck looks at him — as though he’s a mirage of an oasis in a parched desert — Haechan will die a shockingly fast death and Donghyuck will be sent back home to Jeju in disgrace.

Donghyuck tries not to think about the fact that he is in love with Na Jaemin. He tries to ignore the way his heart does a little dance in his chest when Jaemin drapes his arms over Donghyuck’s shoulders. He never flinches when Jaemin smirks at him. He doesn’t choke on his water the way he wants to when he sees Jaemin dance. 

Donghyuck may love Jaemin, but he loves Haechan more.

Still, Donghyuck never accounted for the fact that Jaemin had become like a drug, his laughter shooting exhilaration into his veins. So when he comes back from such an extended leave, he’s only that much more vulnerable, like the first time a newly-sober alcoholic gets invited to a bar. 

To be honest, it’s a little humiliating that what finally pushes him over the edge is Jaemin, dressed down for recording, meeting his eyes through the glass with a dangerous smirk (because he knows _exactly_ what he’s doing) and saying _“Ice Cream”._

Donghyuck flushes down to his neck and has to leave. He rushes out of the room, mumbling some excuse about coffee to Renjun, but instead he finds himself throwing the door to the first practice room he finds open. He shuts the door and sinks to the ground, head in his hands, breathing heavily.

He slides down the wall and breathes deeply, suppressing a scream. He looks up at his reflection in the mirror and he barely recognizes himself, cheeks still red, eyes puffy and tired. He tries not to cry. Where’s Haechan? The only one here is Donghyuck, weak, _stupid_ Donghyuck who fell for Na Jaemin at the expense of himself.

For Jaemin, it’s all a joke. Two guys being _pals_. God, Donghyuck wishes that was all it was for him, that he was only jealous of Jaemin’s face rather than attracted to it. It would make things so much easier. 

Jaemin’s words echo in his mind, taunting, and it makes Donghyuck mad, even though he has no right. After all, _fuck_ , Jaemin spoke the truth.

_I’ll make your heart melt. Ice Cream._

»»————- ✼ ————-««

It’s here, melting into the floor of the practice room, that Renjun finds him, eyes full of concern as he crosses the practice room to Donghyuck. 

His lips are cracked and his cheeks are sticky with the salt of his own tears as Renjun leans down beside him, rubbing a long, comforting hand down Donghyuck’s arm, full of sympathy that Donghyuck doesn’t deserve. “You know, love isn’t a weakness, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck scoffs, because it _is_. He could lose everything. He could lose _Haechan_.

“You don’t know shit,” he says roughly, wrenching his arm from Renjun’s grip. “So don’t talk about things you don’t understand.”

“Oh, I understand.” Renjun's voice is harsh, all traces of sympathy gone. He sits back, standing up and away from Donghyuck. “But you won’t catch me crying about my juvenile crush on Jeno in a practice room when we’re in the middle of a recording.” The words steal the breath from Donghyuck’s lungs, shocking him into silence, and he can just see that it’s true from the pain in Renjun’s eyes as looks down on Donghyuck. His eyes flash. “I’m a professional.”

“Wait, Renjun, I’m sorry —” Donghyuck reaches out a hand, but Renjun is already halfway across the room. In another moment he’s gone, the door clicking shut behind him. Donghyuck feels himself collapse into a fresh wave of tears, suddenly wishing that Renjun would come back, would give him something, _anything_ , to make him feel better. 

No. There’s nothing, just the silence of the room and his reflection. It's so hauntingly unrecognizable, some strange amalgamation of Donghyuck and Haechan, and he hates himself for it.

The space beside him is cold. He shivers, wishing that he could be like Renjun, wishing he could be as _strong_ as him. Renjun has always just been Renjun. Donghyuck, on the other hand, has always been so _weak_. Even the management could see how fragile Donghyuck was, could see how badly he had to be replaced, so they’d helped him become Haechan. Donghyuck had never looked back.

Renjun is so _honest_ , and it makes Donghyuck squirm with jealousy, the desperate desire to be in Renjun’s shoes instead growing in his chest like a weed, curling around his heart with malice. Renjun had said Jeno’s name with such ease, the declaration of love falling from his tongue like silk, his feelings wrapped up in a little bow. In contrast, here Donghyuck sits, bleeding his emotions out on the wooden floor of this practice room while the thought of saying Jaemin’s name out loud like that makes him shake with fear, as though naming his love will somehow make it grow.

A ridiculous idea, when his love for Na Jaemin has already consumed him entirely. Hell, he can’t even recognize himself in the mirror. 

Donghyuck picks the pieces of Haechan up off of the floor and tries his best to put himself back together before he returns to the recording. He smiles vacantly at the producers as he gets behind the mic and sings.

After all, singing is what Donghyuck loves most of all in the whole world, and it’s what Haechan was born to do. For a moment, he lets himself be lost in it. On the other side of the glass, Jaemin sits beside Renjun on the couch, but Donghyuck closes his eyes, letting the melody wash over him.

When he opens his eyes again, Jaemin is gone, leaving just Renjun behind, his eyes deep and dark and endless.

“You did well,” Renjun tells him when he comes out from behind the glass. 

“You did better,” Donghyuck responds, and it’s the truth. Renjun just shakes his head and sighs, laying a hand on Donghyuck’s arm, pulling him close.

“You’re missing the point. Let’s go home.” There’s unspoken forgiveness in his voice, and there’s a new alliance between them, fragile and tenuous, but there nonetheless. Apparently there's something unifying about being in love with boys that can never love them back.

»»————- ✼ ————-««

Donghyuck doesn’t know who started it, and he doesn’t really care all that much either. All that matters right now is that Renjun’s lips are on his in a supply closet. 

He lowers his hand to hold Renjun’s waist, his back flat against the wall as Renjun leans up into him, and he knows it can’t last. Renjun’s in love with Jeno, and he’s so in love with Jaemin that just the sight of Jaemin’s smile robs the breath from his lungs.

Donghyuck gasps as Renjun’s tongue slips past his lips, and it’s almost _refreshing_ that someone else can even make him gasp like this, steal his breath in nearly the same way Jaemin does.

But Renjun isn’t Jaemin. He’s shorter. Renjun is cuttingly honest, and his hair is gunmetal gray, a sharp contrast to Jaemin’s bright blond. His eyes are darker, and his smiles are different. His voice is softer around the edges and the sight of him doesn’t send Donghyuck spiraling. 

No, Renjun isn’t Jaemin at all. But that’s a good thing — it means that there’s no way that Donghyuck will fall for him. Haechan isn’t enamored with Renjun, and neither is Donghyuck. They’re on the same page. They’re in the same boat.

It’s not like Renjun is in love with him, he’s in love with Jeno. It’s not like Donghyuck is in love with Renjun, he’s in love with Jaemin. 

So he lets himself get lost in the feeling of Renjun’s lips on his, the sound of Renjun’s moans when Donghyuck steps away from the wall and lets Renjun jump up, grabbing his thighs from below as Renjun wraps his legs around Donghyuck’s midsection so that they can kiss from a new angle.

They stumble out of the supply closet after what seems like hours and part ways, not a single mark on either of them, and they never talk about it again.

They don’t talk about it the next time either, or the time after that. They just keep finding better places to make out, and it just keeps getting harder to stop themselves from taking it too far.

They’re in the dorms alone and Donghyuck finds himself in Renjun’s bed, littering burning kisses down his neck. They’re at practice and they’re the last ones to leave, so they make out against the mirrors in the practice room. On one of their free days, Donghyuck finds himself making plans to hang out with Renjun, rejecting Jaemin without a second thought when he suggests they all go to the mall together.

“Sorry Jaem, I’m hanging out with Renjun today,” he says when Jaemin asks them all around the kitchen table. Jaemin pouts, and out of the corner of his eye, he sees Renjun raise his eyebrows.

“Oh, you are?” Renjun murmurs, just loud enough for him to hear. Donghyuck feels his ears begin to burn because _oh, right, he hasn’t actually asked Renjun yet._

Luckily, Renjun doesn’t say anything loud enough to contradict him, so Jaemin just sighs, leaning his head on his hands. “Hyuck, I feel like I haven’t seen you in _ages_ , you’re always hanging out with Renjun.”

Donghyuck feels his heart leap upwards in his chest, sees Renjun’s questioning gaze from beside him, and he doesn’t know what to say. “I’m just a bit busy. Of course I still love you, Jaem, don’t get insecure,” he says, scoffing, because it’s _true_. He doesn’t think he’ll ever stop loving Na Jaemin, no matter how hard he tries. 

Renjun looks away. 

“Renjun, I thought you were going to come to Hongdae with me today,” Jeno interjects, frowning. Renjun shrugs, picking up his empty bowl of cereal to return it to the sink, turning his back on Jeno.

“Sorry, I made other plans. Maybe you can convince Jaemin to go with you.”

Donghyuck may feel guilty in the moment, but all that guilt vanishes when Renjun’s tongue is down his throat in the back of a nearly abandoned movie theatre a few hours later. 

Donghyuck doesn’t know what movie it is, and he doesn’t care in the slightest. Renjun bought the tickets, promising to get tickets for the least popular movie right now, and he did phenomenally. The world around them melts away as they melt into one another, and Donghyuck finds comfort in the movement of Renjun’s lips against his. 

It’s nice. It’s _easy_. Renjun doesn’t love him and he doesn’t love Renjun, and that’s the best part of the whole thing.

They break apart, Donghyuck’s hand coming up to rest at the base of Renjun’s neck, their foreheads touching and breaths mingling together in the small space between them, and Renjun says, high and breathy, “God, Lee Donghyuck, you have no idea what you do to me.”

They’re empty words. 

Donghyuck loves them. 


End file.
